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My life as I believe it will never remain the same

My life as I believe it will never remain the same

I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. The drunken episodes:

  • Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Mouthing off on my iPhone
  • I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
  • Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

I am in advising which has been an epiphany.....plus perusing Ann's book and now finding this site and perusing comparable stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.